Year 39...

Year 39. It's hard to believe I'm this age. These last few years have been hard, but I feel like the struggle has helped me learn and grow- just like struggle is supposed to do.
During year 38, I began some new endeavors. Some were just meant to be outlets for frustration, stress, worry, yet they brought positive change into my life.
One positive change came through my walking and it led to weight loss and a desire to achieve a rather large weight loss goal. I've kind of been on vacation (ok. Not kind of.) but now that I've celebrated my birthday well, I hope to get back on track, starting tomorrow! I sure need some discipline and encouragement, because its hard to get back on track!

Another endeavour that I began this year was painting. What started out as an outlet for the hard parts of life (all of it) has become a totally unexpected source of income. What a blessing. I fully believe it is a gift from God to help provide for my financial need. Any art that I have done is not because I have some special skill. I want my work to be a testimony to God and His provision for my need. Not only has painting helped me financially, it has become an outlet for me. It's a place to lose myself in the work and take a break from the hard part of life. I have a long way to go, but I am loving the process of learning new things.
So, here is to year 39. I want to trust God more, for He has proven Himself worthy. I want to meet and exceed my weightloss goal before 40. I want to improve as a painter. Can I do this? Certainly not on my own. I need help from my Savior and I need encouragement and support from my friends and family. Thank you to those who have been such a help to me these past few years. I certainly am blessed by you!
-Kristen

Struggling

Its been over a month since I've posted. I got busy and honestly I've been in a funk. I got really busy, tired, and honestly just lacked any motivation. The funk I was in led to weight gain. Thankfully though, a monthish later, I'm back to the good weight I was at. Still a long way from my initial goal, but now that my busy-ness is slowing down, I hope to get back on track.
This is hard. Whoever says it isn't, is lying.  I think harder for someone who has struggled with it most of their life. I will always battle these thoughts about myself. I have to stop listening to the negativity in my own head and just keep moving and doing the best I can. I do want this for myself, but I don't want it to consume me. That's the fastest way for me to burn out.
I guess as always moderation is key. I will eat low-carb when I can and portion control when I have self control. I will enjoy the cake (or ice cream or Mexican food 😄). Need to get back to walking, too. Being busy and heat are my exercise nemeses.
I will need continued help from God and encouragement from friends.
I can do this, but as I told  a student at graduation, it may take longer and be a bigger challenge, but in the end the effort will be worth it!

Old Habits Die Hard

I'll be real here, I struggled through February and March. As April rushed in, I decided that nothing was going to change if I didn't really make some more effort, but I struggled to know how I could be motivated. Then my dad went to the doctor and his blood sugar was through the roof. I knew I need to make changes for both us. Now, I can't fix his food choices at home while I work or get him to understand its not just about eating sweets, but I can make small changes when I am cooking.  I can at least try to do better for both of us. So, I decided that I would make April a challenge. So, I started my own personal #lowcarbapril challenge.
Now, lest you think I'm super woman, I'll have you know that when I say low carb, I do not mean no carb, because I must think realistically. I mean, less carbs as much as possible. Saturday, I made sausage gravy and biscuits (because well, yum!) and this morning because I was tired and didn't get going soon enough, I had an EggNormous burrito from BK. Totally and utterly delicious and unhealthy. To fix my low carb situation, for lunch I'll have a salad. It's not always easy, but I am finding some great no/low carb alternatives and I'm enjoying it. Surprisingly!

Today 11 days into my challenge, I saw my first scale movement. I was so excited. I've been stuck at a certain weight or higher for probably a month and today I had dropped 3lbs. So exciting and now because of my breakfast choice, I may have a sad weigh in tomorrow, but I can see things moving, which is good.

I've also been having some chest pains, so I went to the doctor because it was becoming more frequent and frankly it scared me. My blood pressure was up and after an EKG and an ultrasound, I was told it was probably just because my bp was up. I've been under quite a bit of stress lately and it is taking a toll on my body. So, hopefully, I'll figure some things out soon. Getting rid of the stress may be the key to all of this. It certainly effects the body - generally in negative ways.

Please pray for me. Pray that I will continue to be motivated, that I will leave my worries to the Lord and stop stressing. Pray that I will have wisdom for my future. Thanks.

I'll leave you with a picture of me and a couple of my students. I was proud because I could get into those pants. I haven't been able to in 2 years. Exciting. Also, I'll leave a picture of one of my paintings. I'm having so much fun.

Motivation = Momentum

Motivation has been lacking the past two weeks. Therefore the momentum that I was gaining pretty much stopped. It is a lot like when a big girl exercises. (At least this one anyway) I will start out strong but if I stop and sit for a few then I'm shot. I have lost all energy and therefore skill and/or effort.

Honestly, it's probably been more like a month of struggle. The good results I had been seeing quickly began to dissipate. I've found it hard to find the good as I watch the scale go back up, as I see the swelling of my gut. I've been tired or sick or busy and my efforts have been spotty. My eating habits have fallen back into bad habits, my exercise has been limited.

Time for a reset. Time to get to the root of the problem. Time to get back up and try again. 

I'm pretty sure this will be a continual cycle for me on this journey. If I dont figure some things out I'll be back where I started. 

So, I'm questioning this journey I'm on. What is my motivation? Why try?  In my devotional and Bible study I've been reading about and thinking about my life in the bigger picture. My weight loss/health journey can't be just about me looking good, feeling good, being healthy. The same with life in general. I'm a believer in a life with purpose. I want my life to have a positive impact on the world around me.
 I believe that each person has a God-given purpose. I believe I haven't always lived according to that purpose. How much time have I wasted trying to satisfy my wants and desires, filling voids with food, games, tv, books to try and fill a gap or not be disappointed with life. 

My purpose in life is not to satisfy me. 

Anything that I'm doing to just make life easier or to make life feel more stable or to take matters into my own hands hasn't worked. More money is nice for a while (it certainly helps me worry less about things) then it runs out. Food fills a gap for a while, but obviously I always want more. New games/shows/books keep me entertained, but the amusement ends or the show is over and I'm left wanting more. There are endless ways to satisfy that longing, but in the end it is always the same.

This is how I know my life is not about me. I was created with a purpose and I have a calling, and even if I'm questioning it lately I need to live according to that purpose.

On that note, why am I on this journey? Does it fulfill my calling? I dont know, but maybe I can't fulfill my calling and purpose if my body is not under control. Maybe I can't do God's next adventure if my weight is out of control (or fill in the blank with other areas of life- finances-relationships-family.)

So, I will continue this journey, I will find motivation and then the momentum can swing again. I cant do it alone- with God's help and encouragement and support of those that care I can do this. 

BTW. I went on a walk today for over an hour. I even jogged 5 intervals. It was hard, but it felt good. Yay! spring break! Please be the catalyst I need. 

Healthy recipe

I found this delicious recipe on Pinterest. https://pin.it/7lksiozbjn4lax
I made it ahead for dinner because I was going to be home late tonight. I had dad put it in the oven, so he could eat when he was ready. When I got home and had a chance to eat it, I was so pleased!
Definitely the best ground turkey I've had so far. Dad LOVED it, too. This will become a staple around this house.

Failed February

"Failed February."

Those are my thoughts as I weigh in another day to see the back and forth battle I've fought this month lose to back. Frustrated and at the point of tears, because this time I really want to meet this goal for me, a voice pops into my head, "Small victories." I settle down and think about the good. My clothes are getting too big, my energy level is higher, I see my body changing, the next days weigh in was .5lbs higher, but I didnt let it get me down and made good choices that day. 

Two days later, the scale is once again going the right direction. I know that days, weeks and months will be like this. However, I'm learning to keep going. In the past at this point I would just say whatever and go eat something I shouldn't. 

New month fresh start. I will have to work harder to achieve my goal now, but I can do this. I believe it for myself, but I know I can't do it alone. So, thankful for the Lord's help and for the support of my friends. Little bits of encouragement go a long way. ☺

2-16-19

The past two weeks I have been battling health issues and haven't really had the energy to do more than go to work and come home. I'm hoping I'm turning a corner, because I finally have extra time in the afternoon to exercise. Please pray with me that these health issues will settle down and I can get to work.
As for weight loss, it has been up and down bc of the nature of my issues. Yesterday when I weighed, I finally lost weight again, so that was encouraging. I still have another couple of weeks in this month, I'm going to try and discipline myself to get things going again.

Thanks for your help and support. I certainly need it. Now off for a chilly walk before I go watch our boys win our North State tournament!

2-2-19

As I finished out January I had only met half of my monthly goal. However, it was still down from when I started. The last week of January I was sick, stressed about money, and busy finishing out our Jr. High Basketball season.
I've known for a while how stress impacts me, but I discovered another way that it affects me. It affects my digestion and therefore my weight.
As the week finished up, I got paid, could go to the doctor and Jr. High basketball was finished, I finally had good results on the scale  The frustration I was feeling about my weight not moving, was being caused by my stress. I've got to find a way to stop letting things in life stress me if I'm going to achieve my big goal.
As of this morning, two days into February, I lost four more pounds. So, from January 5th to February 2nd,  I've lost a total of 6.6lbs. This is what I need to do each month to reach my weight loss goal by the end of the year.
I can do this. I just need to stay:
1. Praying and Seeking guidance
2. Motivated
3. Stress free

There are probably a couple of other bullet points I should add.  

I'm hoping for a great February, but its gonna be challenging because on Feb. 19th, it will be the first anniversary of losing my Momma to stupid cancer. I wish she could see my progress. She would be so proud.

  

1-26-19

Today I walked for an hour. Stupid me paused my workout and continued to walk. When I realized, I was way over a mile.  So, at the end of my work out it said I'd walked 2 miles. Boo. That's not true.
Lol. My normal slow pace is about 19 min a mile. So, I probably did 3.5. Either way I'm proud. Glad to be able to get outside on January 25th and walk. Still battling this weight. I may not make my 6lb goal for the month, but at least I'm halfway there. Feb. 1 starts Friday. Hopefully, since I'm broke I'll eat better this week. (No fast food or junk food at ball games.)

Happy last week of January.

1-21-19

So glad to have the day off. Last week was so hectic and this week ahead will be the same, so I'm glad for the day to reflect and rest. I had a great weigh in this morning! I passed a goal that I have had for several years. It only took forever to reach it. I just need to stay below that line permanently. Now, I still have a long way to go to meet my 80lb goal, but this is an encouraging step for me. I've actually felt like dancing all morning!
This picture was from yesterday morning. I like it anyway!

1-11-19

What a long, busy week! I'm so glad for Friday night, lounging in my bed with my girls. It's raining out as I lay here, trying to stay awake until an acceptable bedtime for a 38 year old single. Lol.

I've been good to document my food this week, but the busyness of the week made the healthy eating a challenge. I count it good if there was no weight gain, but somehow I've got to figure out healthy and busy. 

1-16-19

Try. Fail. Try again. Fail. Try again. Success.
Try. Fail. Try again. Fail. Try again. Success.
Try. Fail. Try again. Fail. Try again. Success.

This journey in my life is definitely a dance. Step forward, step back, step forward, step back. It often takes a while to get to a new dance space because of the back and forth.
Usually at this point I'm done, but this time I dont want to stop here. I want to keep dancing. I want to keep up the journey.
I need support. Especially when it comes to eating and changing my mindset. I find ways to exercise and I usually enjoy it, but this food battle is tough. Its just so tasty and it's so much work to try to eat healthy.
I know it will be worth it.
I'm choosing to look for small victories, not look at the big picture that can seem insurmountable, and keep dancing.

💃🕺💃🕺💃🕺💃🕺💃🕺💃🕺💃🕺💃🕺💃🕺💃

1-9-19

Today, the scales didn't leave me feeling destroyed. In fact, I was the closest I've been to my original goal through Noom than I have been since I started in September. It certainly made a good start to the day and it made me feel good about myself, which is something of an anomaly to me. Not really sure how it happened, but I'm taking the win!
My Noom group coach asked me how I celebrate the small victories. I honestly didn't know how to answer. Celebrations in my life usually involve food. If you read this how do you celebrate your small victories?
I ate a Buddha Bowl at lunch vegan friendly and gluten free. It was on sale at Kroger the other day, so I thought I'd give it a try. It was pretty good. This one had cauliflower, sweet potatoes, broccoli, brussel sprouts, a special sauce (something asian) and chickpeas. I should learn to make my own. Although I'd rather some meat be involved (lol butchers daughter 🤷‍♀️.)

1-7-19

I fully intended to post yesterday, but back to school, Bunco, and a sad National Championship Game showing for my Alabama team kept me busy.
I started strong, eating a light breakfast, a yummy salad at lunch, then I lost all self control at dinner. When I'm tired or when I'm in a social setting saying no to food is hard. The scale showed that this morning. I've got a basketball game tonight so there will not be healthy foods available again. This journey is definitely a battle. I'm not giving up though. I will keep trudging along. I won't let my setbacks set me back for long. Time to find breakfast and get moving!
Its game day! I get to do one of my favorite things today. Coach basketball, looking forward to it!

1/6/19

When you weigh in daily you see lots of ups and downs. It's hard to not let yourself get disappointed. Especially when you made good choices the day before. Today was one of those days, but one thing I've learned since I started the program I've been using since September weight fluctuates and I cant give up. Tomorrow is a new day and back to work I go, so hopefully a daily routine will help.

Lunch after church. Heard a good reminder that I am more than a conqueror because of Jesus. Good reminder for me that with His help, I can do this. 

Jan. 5 2019

Getting back into blogging.
Setting a new goal.
I've been working on losing weight pretty much forever. However, after losing my mom last year to stupid cancer, and after almost a year of grieving, I am committing to reach this goal.
I actually started using Noom back in September. With this program I've lost close to 30 lbs, but financially I can't continue. So, I've decided to keep a log and I'm gonna keep it here for the world to see.
My goal is to lose 80lbs by the end of the year. If my calculations are correct that would mean I need to lose a little less than 7lbs a month. That doesnt seem as overwhelming or scary to break it down into more attainable goals.
I am not naive. I know how hard it is. I know how inconsistent I am. Nonetheless, this is something I need to do.
A little at a time. Changing my mind, change my habits, changing my life.
I'd love encouragement along the way, now I just need to have the courage to publish this post.
Here I am:
(After my 2.5 mile morning walk)